*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome. Welcome.
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I am John Oliver.
Thank you for being with us.
Lots to get through.
A quick recap of the week.
If you are watching the show in eastern Ukraine, or as it
may be called by the time that this show airs, western
Russia, then please don't worry.
Yes, Vladimir Putin is seizing some of your towns like
they're Super Bowl rings, but rest assured the international
community is behind you.
If Russia continues on its current course, we have
a range of tools at our disposal, including sanctions
that will target certain sectors
of the Russian economy.
Huh?
Sanctions.
You're welcome, Ukraine.
Everything is going to be fine.
That's kind of our go-to move now.
We impose sanctions the way that Pizza Hut crams mozzarella
into every crevice of a pizza crust.
It's kind of what we do when we are completely
out of ideas.
Unfortunately this week also showed how little regard
Vladimir Putin has for sanctions.
The "New York Times" is reporting this morning that
U.S. sanctions over Ukraine are having a limited impact
on Russia, as Vladimir Putin demands Ukrainian troops
withdraw from the southeastern part of the country.
MAN: You know it's not a really good sign when Vladimir Putin
tells you to withdraw troops from your own country.
OK, that is true.
But to be fair, it's also not a good sign when Vladimir
Putin tells you anything.
If Vladimir Putin leans in to whisper something in your ear,
your best-case scenario is that he's going to bite
your ear off.
That's the best thing that could happen to you in that
particular circumstance.
Now, Ukraine would have been the talk of the town
in Washington all this week if they hadn't spent the whole
last 7 days party planning for last night.
The White House Correspondents dinner, lovingly called
Nerd Prom.
We call it the Nerd Prom.
Nerd Prom!
Ha ha ha.
Nerd Prom.
Yay.
Amazingly, it's actually even worse than it sounds.
An alarming display of coziness where you can see
such majestic sights as National Security Advisor
Susan Rice asking for an autograph from the guy from
"Duck Dynasty."
Both of them could justifiably look the other one in the eyes
and say, "What the fuck are you doing here?"
And they would both be right.
It's a night when journalists celebrate their independence
by hanging out with their sources and celebrates their
importance by utterly ignoring one another in favor
of Hollywood stars.
In fact, the main purpose of the evening seems to be
providing photos of glamorous celebrities completely unaware
of who they are standing next to.
She has no idea.
With the person in question actually
usually being Wolf Blitzer.
[Applause]
Can I be in your photo?
Surely--surely this wasn't what the founders
of the Correspondents Association had in mind
100 years ago.
In fact, let's take a look at their original charter.
I wish I could show you all that charter because it's our
most prized artifact.
Well, I wish you could show it to me, too, then.
If you're wondering why he's referring to the charter
in the conditional sense, it's because during the renovation
of the White House press room, the Correspondents Association
handed over their charter for safekeeping and, well...
When they cut the ribbon, the White House had lost
our charter.
Oh, well.
You weren't really using it anyway.
Perhaps you could just replace it with a framed photo of Wolf
Blitzer with Sofia Vergara.
And now this.
MALE ANNOUNCER: And now, newscasters enjoying a pun
about today's date a little too much.
I'm a math and "Star Wars" nerd.
It's Star Wars Day when we say May the 4th be with you.
Happy Star Wars Day.
May the 4th be with you. Nice!
Obviously it's May the 4th be with you.
OK, so I actually speak droid, guys.
He just said, "May the 4th be with you."
May the 4th be with you. Get it?
It's a take on the 4th--I mean, the force be with you.
And there you go.
Today is Star Wars Day.
Maybe the 4th one.
Or we should say, just the 4th be with you.
Moving on...
As you know, our show is dedicated to covering
the biggest news of the week, whatever that news may be.
We have a long, proud, one-week history
of doing that.
So, what was the biggest news story of this week?
We begin in Oklahoma tonight with an execution that didn't
go as planned.
A convicted killer from Oklahoma dies after
a botched execution.
OK, OK, OK.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Wait.
"You're not gonna really do a comic take on the death
"penalty, right?
"It's your second episode.
I haven't even decided if I like this show yet."
Well, you're right.
Don't change the channel.
We don't have to talk about the death penalty.
No one is forcing us to.
In the application of the death penalty in this country,
we've seen significant problems.
I think we do have to, as a society, ask ourselves some
difficult and profound questions.
Do we?
Do we really have to do that?
Can you not just answer those questions for us?
Because I do not want to talk about the death penalty,
and judging by the noise that you make when you talk
about it, neither do you.
What happened in Oklahoma is deeply troubling.
Uh...
I know that sound.
That's the sound of a man drowning on dry land,
desperately hoping for Biden to suddenly walk out into the
Rose Garden in an open robe.
"Oh, good, Joe.
"Joe's here.
"Thank God you're here.
"Let's lighten the mood, everyone.
Let's talk about Benghazi."
OK, OK?
So let's do this, then.
Let's talk about the death penalty, and before you turn
this show off, there was a YouTube video this week of
"Tiny Hamsters Eating Tiny Burritos," and it's as magical
and as uncomplicated as you think, and if you make it to
the end of this story, I promise we will watch it
together, OK?
You have to stay with us.
You have to stay with us to get this.
OK, so...
the death penalty: should it exist, and what should its
limits be?
Can someone give me a broad, almost infantile guideline
of when they think it's appropriate?
The Supreme Court has already told us that the death penalty
is constitutional.
I do believe in the death penalty, but only with respect
to those that are guilty of committing the crime.
OK.
Bold idea.
We shouldn't execute innocent people.
I think most people would probably agree with that.
You, sir, are a regular Atticus Finch.
But executing the innocent
is not really the tough question here.
It's whether we should be executing the guilty, and let
me acknowledge right up front that I come to this as a bit
of an outsider.
Britain does not have capital punishment, so in a way, I
really don't know what I'm talking about.
But in another way, I really do know what I'm talking
about because before 1965, we didn't just have capital
punishment, we literally went medieval on people's asses.
MAN: The history of capital punishment in Britain is
a long and bloody one.
Since the Middle Ages, those condemned to death have
variously faced being boiled alive, burnt at the stake, or
hung, drawn, and quartered.
Yeah. We did that.
We boiled people.
And in the grand tradition of British cuisine, if anything,
we overboiled them.
We boiled them up.
We--we loved killing people so much, we kept coming up
with new, inventive techniques that looked like they were
designed by the Marquis de Sade and named by Willy Wonka.
MAN: This is the head-crusher.
The small and seemingly innocuous thumb-biter
originates in 14th-century Scotland.
These devices have almost childlike names,
like penny-winkies.
Ooh. That's right--penny-winkies,
a delightful English cousin of the throaty tug-tug
and the jolly shocky buzz buzz tickly wiggly seats.
And, look.
I know that all of this is still technically horrifying,
but that's kind of the point because whether you are
boiling people alive or putting them to sleep
with a tiny injection administered by a puppy
dressed as Winnie the Pooh, in the end, you are getting
the same result.
And here's the thing: just because the British people
don't have the death penalty anymore doesn't mean that we
don't want it back.
Recent polls suggest that at least half the population
would choose to have it reinstated, which makes
complete sense because the death penalty is one of those
things that is natural to want but you shouldn't
necessarily have.
The death penalty is like the McRib.
When you can't have it, it's so tantalizing, but as soon as
they bring it back, you think, "This is ethically wrong.
Should this be allowed in a civilized society?"
And by the way, there is your new slogan, McRib.
You are welcome. You are welcome.
You can have that for free.
That's yours.
Because...
because there are things about having the death penalty which
might make you a little bit queasy.
What does the United States have in common with Iran,
Iraq, and Saudi Arabia?
The answer is the death penalty.
According to Amnesty International, those 4 nations
and China are responsible for 82% of the world's executions.
Look, this is going to seem like a gross simplification,
but any list that contains Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia,
and China is not a list you want to be on.
Ideally you want to be on one of those lists that
Finland is on.
Finland is on all the good lists, like countries with
the best pastries or best countries to host your
overseas lesbian wedding.
I know what some of you are thinking.
"But, John, I hear you saying that most Western countries no
longer have executions, but if someone committed a heinous
crime, I would still very much like to kill them."
OK, well, let's start with if.
There have been 312 DNA exonerations in this country
since we've been doing forensic testing.
On life without parole.
It is interesting how things which were once considered
complete airtight evidence against somebody are now sort
of being viewed as junk science.
Isn't it interesting?
Is "interesting" really the word that you're looking
for there, Cooper?
Facts found on Snapple caps are interesting.
Oh. The Statue of Liberty's nose is 4'6" long.
That's an interesting fact.
But facts like innocent people are potentially executed by
our government on a regular basis are not so much
interesting as fucking horrifying.
Put it this way: if you found that on the bottom
of a Chobani lid, that would make a container of Chobani
even harder to swallow than it already is.
And look...
look, statistics suggest that false convictions aren't all
that rare.
Just this week, we are learning from the proceedings
of the National Academy of Sciences a study that shows 4%
of death row inmates are * innocent
I think you might be using the wrong * tone
4%!
The outrage about this must be off the charts.
I remember a certain Texas governor who felt that 4
individual cases of voter impersonation in the last
decade was a moral issue important to address.
I think any person who does not want to see fraud believes
in having good, open, honest elections transparent.
Well, we'd take it to the Supreme Court.
To the Supreme Court over a voter impersonation rate
essentially close to 0%.
So a potential executing-the-innocent rate
of 4% must really eat away at Rick Perry.
Your state has executed 234 death row inmates, more than
any other governor in modern times.
Have you... [Applause]
Have you struggled to sleep at night with the idea that any
one of those might have been innocent?
No, sir. I've never struggled with that at all.
Nope. I never struggled with it.
In fact, I sleep great, like a big, muscular baby.
14 hours a night, legs in the air, with a mobile
above my head.
Crying when I shit myself.
I'm a big baby.
I sleep like a baby.
But OK, OK.
Let's imagine for a moment a magical world where you could
be sure of someone's guilt.
What are the arguments for killing them then?
Is it that it's a deterrent to others?
There is no credible evidence that the death penalty is
a particular deterrent to violent crime.
Although to be fair, the death penalty is an amazing
deterrent to fishing without a license.
"Listen, Todd, I'd love to go with you, but is it worth it?
You've got a wife and children."
So what about the argument, then, that we shouldn't have
to pay to house and feed a convicted killer?
An average death-penalty case costs the state
millions of dollars.
In California alone, since 1978, the total cost
of enforcing the death penalty has been over $4 billion.
That's $308 million for each of the 13 executions
carried out.
In fact, it costs up to 10 times more to give someone
the death penalty than life in prison.
So, what a death sentence is really saying is, "Hey, this
is America, and the way we treat the most despicable
members of our society is by spending the entire budget
of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy on them."
So, what we know now is the death penalty is expensive,
potentially kills innocent people, and doesn't
deter crime.
And here is where it gets hard, harder than is
potentially appropriate for a comedy show late
on a Sunday night.
But if we are going to answer difficult and profound
questions, as the President told us to, the toughest one
is probably, if someone is guilty of committing
a horrible crime and the family of the victim want the
perpetrator executed, do we want to live in the kind
of country that gives that to them?
I would say no.
You might very reasonably say yes or, at the very least...
OBAMA: Uh...
But--but it's a question that is going to need an answer,
and in the meantime, a much easier question is, do you
want to watch a YouTube video of a tiny hamster eating
a tiny burrito?
Because at this point--.
[Cheering]
at this point, you have fucking earned it.
*
[Applause]
And that is how you end a comprehensive segment
on the death penalty.
And now this.
MALE ANNOUNCER: America.
Everyone knows it's the greatest nation on earth
and our leaders are the greatest leaders on earth.
But did you know there are other countries that are
not America and each of them has a leader of its very own?
Let's take a moment to meet one in our ongoing series,
"Other Countries' Presidents of the United States."
This week's leader...
MAN: François Alont.
François Holland.
François Ollande.
Frankie Holland.
MALE ANNOUNCER: That's right--François Hollande,
the President of France, the country where your cousin
spent a 3-month semester abroad and the rest of his
life overemphasizing the word "croissant."
Interestingly, Hollande is rare among world leaders
in that he's publicly questioned the existence
of God, which perhaps explains why on his inauguration day
this happened.
WOMAN: Hollande was on his way to meet with German Chancellor
Angela Merkel in Berlin when his plane was hit by lighting.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Hollande is also a committed socialist,
not only believing that France should have a public
investment bank and that the country's retirement age
should begin at 60 but also that his body should be shared
with as many French women as possible.
Yes, François is probably most famous for his love life,
which rivals that of France's notorious President Le Pew.
PEPE LE PEW: We can do away with the dull preliminaries.
Mwah, mwah.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Hollande had 4 children with Ségoléne Royal,
a fellow socialist who also ran for president, only to
lose to Nicolas Sarkozy.
Hollande chose to comfort his partner by leaving her for his
younger mistress, Valérie Trierweiler, an act
so heartless, the French people decided to punish him
by electing him to the highest office in the land.
But wait, there's more.
Hollande then cheated on his mistress with another
mistress, sneaking out of the Presidential palace to meet
her for a rendezvous on a scooter, a sequence of events
so stereotypically French it's almost offensive.
So tonight we introduce you to François Hollande, a man who
dumped a presidential candidate and became President
himself, a man who evicted the First Lady from the
Presidential Palace, an action which somehow increased his
approval ratings, and the only man in the world who has
managed to pick up a gorgeous movie star mistress while
riding around on a scooter.
[Beep beep]
Who says there's no God?
[Thunder]
Let's move on.
There was big news this week out of Brunei.
Wait. Let me back up a second.
There is a country called Brunei.
It's located here in Southeast Asia.
Specifically it's located here on the island of Borneo.
Anyway, there was big news from Brunei this week.
MAN: At a ceremony on Wednesday morning, the Sultan
announced that Brunei's experiment with sharia law
had begun.
OK, fine. No need to get alarmed.
We all know that sharia law is just one of those scary terms
that your Grandma sends you email forwards about
because a guy who looked a little bit Muslim cut in front
of her at the grocery store.
So, what does this new law entail?
MAN: In about a year, those guilty of theft or consuming
alcohol will be punished with a whipping or even
amputations, and in two years, the death penalty will be
implemented for crimes like blasphemy, sodomy, or
insulting the Koran.
Holy shit.
I guess this explains Brunei's new slogan "Brunei is
"for lovers only within the strict bounds
of heterosexual marriage."
Now, I know I should be careful here.
Maybe this sultan is just a devout, pious man obeying the
strict tenets of his faith.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: He's worth more than $20 billion.
He owns a fleet of more than 5,000 luxury cars
and his own 747.
Now, his family includes 12 children by 3 wives.
He lives in a 1,788-room palace.
OK, so I'm not really getting humility off of this so much
as Donald Trump times Richard Branson
to the Scrooge McDuckth power.
But his incredible display of wealth was the surprise party
that he threw for himself back in 1996.
MALE ANNOUNCER: It has been Brunei's most lavish party
ever--a two-week, $25 million bash thrown by Sultan
Hassanal Bolkiah for his 50th birthday.
Michael Jackson, said to be the sultan's favorite pop
star, gave a public concert.
As a gift to the fans, the sultan picked up the tab
for the concert, which he did not attend.
Wow. He did not attend.
That is a power move.
You fly Michael Jackson around the world to perform for you
and then you don't turn up to the concert.
"I'm just too rich to give a shit."
And it's not just wealth.
It's a little hard to take strict moral guidelines from
a man whose own brother owned--and this is true--a
yacht called "Tits" with service boats called "Nipple
1" and "Nipple 2."
At that point, you're not the moral authority
of your country.
You're just Jeremy Piven with money.
The sultan's brother even stocked his estate on Long
Island with these actual graphic statues of himself
having sex.
I'd say that's not classy, but to be honest, it's
the classiest thing on Long Island.
[Applause]
Come at me. Come at me.
So rank hypocrisy, vicious anti-homosexuality laws,
and yet a conspicuous lack of condemnation this week from
any major countries, and that's because Brunei falls
under the Saudi Arabian rule.
If you're a tiny wealthy strategically located country
with oily business underneath you, the whole world is
your friend.
Do you remember the British royal wedding?
Because the sultan certainly does.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: And here we have the Sultan of Brunei
coming in, Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah, and he is
there with his wife.
Yeah, he was there, and he had good seats, too, because who's
that over William's shoulder.
There he is, literally courtside.
If something had gone wrong, he could have tapped in
and got himself wife number 4.
And also remember the last G20 summit?
Because guess who's there.
It's the Sultan of Brunei.
Brunei is not even in the G20.
The sultan just doesn't give a shit, and he turns up anyway.
He has had face-to-face sit-downs with each
of the last 3 presidents.
It is a great pleasure to welcome my good friend
His Majesty the Sultan of Brunei.
Just for context, Brunei has a population of--and this is
true--420,000 people.
For scale, the population of Staten Island is 470,000,
and yet somehow I don't remember ever seeing Staten
Island borough president James P. Molinaro getting a sit-down
with the President, although to be honest, he is a lot less
fun than the sultan.
Molinaro's last big birthday took place at the Sizzler
with entertainment from a Jermaine Jackson impersonator.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
It was actually far less exciting than that.
And a happy birthday to our borough president James
Molinaro, who turned 80 years young Friday.
He received flowers and several phone calls
in his office.
I'm gonna guess that none of those were from the President.
And the sad thing is, we in America were on such a roll
of condemning anti-gay legislation around the world
in places like Uganda or, of course, recently in Russia.
I have no patience for countries that try to treat
gays or lesbians or transgendered persons in ways
that intimidate them or are harmful to them.
I have no patience, although to be honest,
I might try and build some up.
You never know when it'll come in handy.
Because there was no public statement on Brunei's laws
from the State Department at all this week.
We even called them, and we're nobody.
They explicitly told us that.
Although there was one group this week that took a stand.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: It's also led to several celebrities
boycotting the Beverly Hills Hotel, which the sultan owns.
I've got to say congratulations to the city
of Los Angeles.
It cannot have been easy, within a week, to discover you
have a worse billionaire owner than this guy.
So the most public statement of condemnation this week came
from--and this is true--Ellen's Twitter feed,
where she said she will be boycotting hotels that
the sultan owns.
Take that, sultan!
You might get a pass from every single government
on earth, but you do not--you do not piss off the People's
Republic of Ellen!
You don't do it.
You don't do that!
You don't do it!
And I've got to say it's too bad because the sultan was one
of my favorite "Ellen" guests.
Look at him dance.
That's just natural rhythm.
But you know who I feel for the worst, other than everyone
in Brunei over this?
Their Tourism Authority, because they're going to have
to change their ads now.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: When it's time to go back to the values
of sincerity and purity, there is always Brunei.
Brunei Darussalam,
a kingdom of unexpected treasures.
It's nice. It looks very nice.
But I'm afraid you are gonna want to change at least
the end of that.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Brunei Darussalam.
We're on top of a shit-ton of oil.
What've you got?
"Nothing" is the answer. And now this.
MALE ANNOUNCER: And now "People Falling Asleep
Behind Politicians."
Understand that your success in life won't be determined
just by what's given to you or what happens to you.
There's no one that can outcompete us.
There is no country in the world that can outcompete us.
When you ask me next time, I'll have
the answer ...
And our allies are so much less willing to trust us.
We need to make sure that the American people are given just
a fighting chance.
We must do these things together, as one nation
and one people.
Corporate Japan is going to overtake the United States
of America.
The common refrain is, more care and less Rick, but I'm
working on it.
And there are folks on the left who do the same thing,
trying to be purposely provocative, saying the
meanest, nastiest things you can say about the other side.
The social problems they have to deal
with are incomprehensible.
We stand for freedom and hope and opportunity.
I know that you can do it.
After all, you are the giants!
And with the education you've gotten here, there's nothing
you can't do!
For more "Last Week Tonight," including an interview we did
with Simon Ostrovsky of vicenews.com, check out
our website here.
Thank you so much for watching.
Please do join us again next week.
Have a great night!
[Cheering and applause]